Never Give In

I’ve found something out. Something about my last post. It turns out.. She’s found someone else… And I feel like every hope, every promise we made to each other, everything, just fell apart. Everything. That familiar cold feeling has settled back in my chest. After tonight, I pack everything. I have no reason left to live. I have no reason to be human anymore. So I’ll go back into the ARW. Goodbye Mallory. I’ll always love you.

I was just listening to some iHeart radio on my Ipod and Mercy Fall’s Not Broken Down  plays. Everything about this song reminds me of someone I’ve lost. Someone I miss very much. Someone who meant the entire world to me, who I loved with every fiber of my being. She was my everything. We had plans. And then one day she stopped talking to me. I couldn’t get in touch with her anywhere. 

I honestly hate this feeling. Before her, I was a stoic, cynical, angry person. She changed me. She didn’t make me change, and she didn’t ask me to change. I just did. She made me human again. She brought meaning into my life, and she showed me what being loved was like. And now she’s gone. And I have no idea what happened to her. 

Before her I was constantly torn between killing myself, and killing everyone around me. The thoughts didn’t even bother me. And then she came into my life and those thoughts went out the window.

And now they’re back.

I’ve been considering, once again, deleting my Tumblr and starting over. In the time that I’ve had this Tumblr, I’ve reblogged military-themed pictures, Skyrim pictures, random fantasy pictures, and some cute pictures. In the time that I’ve had this Tumblr I’ve gained five followers. While they are just follow-backs, they are still followers nonetheless. But I’ve moved onto another chapter in my life, and things are about to get very busy, very fast. I’m not sure if I should keep this, or trash it. 

Things I’ll be working on:

• Three fanfics, one based in the TES universe, one based in the Fallout universe, and one based in the Mass Effect universe. 
• Fixing up the house I just bought
• Trying to be more of a social person
• Building epic things in Minecraft
• Looking for someone that I can spend the rest of my life with

Truthfully, I’m tired of being alone. I’ve been alone ever since I was seven years old, and I’m tired of it. I’ve paid my dues. I’ve been as good of a person as I could afford to be. I’ve saved lives and taken them. I’ve made a few friends despite everything. But I’ve never found someone that loves me. Not really. I’ve found a few women who I loved, who I gave everything and more to make them happy, and it’s never been enough. So now I’m just going to look for someone who can make me equally happy. Someone who will be there for me. Someone who will love me, and in turn, I, them.

On top of that, I’ve bought a house that needs some TLC, but it’s got potential. A lot of it. In about a year I could double the property value. 

I’m going to try to be a more social person in hopes of meeting that special someone. 

And to top it all off, I’ve got a million and one ideas for my fanfics, which I love writing. 

So I’m not sure if I should keep this Tumblr, or delete it. I doubt that any of you will read this, much less see this, but if you do, please tell me your thoughts on what I should do.